TheCrazyOne

I was Raped.

Yeah.

But not in the traditional sense. Not the way that people talk about. Not the way you see in movies. I wasn’t held down. I wasn’t choked. I wasn’t forced. Nope.

I was sleeping. I drunk. Knocked out in my hotel room that me and my 3 bestfriends(girls) were sharing. I made it home. I was in the clear of any drunken mistakes.

There should have never been a man in my bed. I didn’t allow that to happen. I didn’t expect sex that night. It should have been just me and my friends in the bed. But no. I woke up to my friends male cousin touching on me and pulling my pants down.

Now, I’m usually an okay drunk. But this time, we were on vacation for the PBR Rodeo in Jacksonville. I didn’t have my daughter for a whole weekend so I let loose. But, i was responsible. I was suppose to be safe.

My friends sister, her husband, and their male cousin were suppose to share a room. And me and my girlfriends were suppose to share another room. We MADE IT BACK TO THE HOTEL SAFELY. I was too drunk to barely even stand up. I changed my clothes and knocked OUT COLD. The next thing I know, I’m being woken up (barely) by this man behind me in bed, touching me, grabbing on my private areas, and pulling my pants down.

I’m torn. I didn’t stop him. I didn’t know what was happening. I was still intoxicated from the night before. I was paralyzed. A part of me finally pulled him out of me and told him “No. This is not right.” and one of the first dumbass things i say is “You have a wife and kids.” He tells me that he isn’t married and that he’s sorry. He thought we were good. Seriously??

I make a call to my friends who, at this point, i have realized they LEFT THE HOTEL to go home. They LEFT ME IN THE BED with this man that i DO NOT KNOW. I am still delirious and I don’t know what’s happening. I tell them “your cousin is trying to fuck me.” The response? Just move. Ok.

King size bed. The ONLY bed in the hotel room. And I am DRUNK DRUNK. I hang up and go lay on the other side of the bed and pass back out.

About an hour later I wake up to the same thing. Him behind me, Touching. Rubbing. Pulling my pants down and putting himself inside me. Only this time, Instead of just staying behind me, he gets on top of me from behind. My head is in the pillow and I lay there. Motionless. He continues until he is done. He rolls over and cleans himself up. I pull my pants up, tell him to keep this between us, and then pass back out.

The next morning I ride back home with my other friend who was sleeping on a Twin size Cot on the other side of the room. I explain what happened and she informs me that it was, in fact, rape. I am stunned. I cant stop crying. I still don’t really know how this happened and Im trying to blame myself.

I tell my other friend what her cousin did to me. She told me that i should have just moved.

She posts pictures from that night and he is in a bunch of them, as expected. Im sick to my stomach.

My friend tells me that i probably shouldnt go to her sons birthday party next saturday because her cousin is going to be there.

Awesome.

I get tested and find out I was given Gonorrhea. Great. The next day i start having HORRIBLE pelvic pain. ITs excruciating. Im crying. I Cant stand up straight. So, i go to the hospital. Apparently, the STD triggered me to have Pelvic Inflammatory Disease. Not fun. Very painful. I was at the hospital all day Friday, being pumped with antibiotics and drugs.

Alone. Of course.

I finally get back home Friday night. Im exhausted from the week i have been through.

Saturday comes and i see all these snaps of my friends hanging out for her sons birthday. They’re at the pool. All smiles. All laughs. Drinks in hand. Not a care in the world.

My friend posts a birthday shoutout on Facebook for her sister as well. She posts a picture collage of her and her sister. The only problem i had with this was, the VERY first picture in the collage is of her, her sister, and their cousin-the rapist.

I text her and let her know how that made me upset to see a picture of his face yet again.

Her response?

“Listen, at the end of the day I’m sorry about what happened but it was a good picture of me and my sister.”

To say i was HURT HURT from that response would be an understatement. To me, that’s her saying IDC about what happened to you. I Tell her OK. Because what can I REALLY say to her?

She explains that she feels I am distancing myself from her and she’s ok with that and she’s ok with me being mad at her for posting a picture of my rapist, but she wants me to know that what happened to me wasn’t her fault.

Seriously?

I think I’m more sad about losing a friend than I am about what happened.

I feel so alone.

My friend group is OBVIOUSLY going to choose her more because she is the outgoing friend. She is the one who makes all of our plans.

Now I have to try and regroup and remember that Its ok to be alone. I can restart. Our friendship was fun while it lasted but I would much rather have people who genuinely care about my wellbeing.

It is going to hurt. But I got this.

I think.

That is all.

Does anyone else just want to sleep? Like, forever? Because i sure do. And i don’t mean to die. I don’t want that. Been there, done that. I was always a depressed person. I’ve always hated my life. I’ve always had bad luck with men. And I’ve always had bad luck with having girls as friends. When i was just 16 and got out of my first real relationship with the guy I had lost my virginity too, I tried to “kill myself.” I used that word lightly because at the time, i really DID want to kill myself. I wanted to die. I thought that my life should have ended once that relationship ended. I mean, who else could I possibly “love?” Who else was going to marry me? I saw no future other than him. Boy, was I wrong. That was nothing. I would LOVE to go back to that time when I thought that the end of my relationship was cause for a complete mental break down. I wish that was most of my troubles.

Now? I’m a “Grown” ass woman. I also use that term lightly. I’m 26. Legally an adult. Mentally, I think I might be 10 years old. I am depressed as FUCK! Like Jesus. I wish i could just control my emotions! Or just sleep forever and ever. Even typing this out right now, I am struggling to keep my damn eyes open!

I want to blame a lot of it on my relationship and my friendships but really, its me. I dont know if im just a piece of shit or if its others. My man constantly tells me im starting shit when i just want to vent or talk about my feelings. My friends just ignore me half the time. Maybe im just too annoying.

Update: I have decided to shut the fuck up. There is no point in me venting anymore. There is no point in my trying to resolve broken relationships. If its broke, its broke. I have tried my hardest to fix things but clearly it isnt good enough. So if they want to fix it, they will know where to find me. By my damn self in my own world listening to music or something.